Hey little peanuts, sorry I haven’t been here for so long.. I’ve had a lot going on since the beginning of the year and to be honest I didn’t really know what to write here so I just didn’t. But I’m here now.
The beginning of 2015 wasn’t at all easy for me. My mom dragged me to the doctor to talk about my panic attacks, and even though he told her what was wrong with me, she doesn’t seem to take it seriously and think I’m just using it as an excuse. Well to be fair she’s not the only one who thinks that, my whole family does. And it hurts. It hurts to hear them say that I just don’t make an effort when they have no idea how hard it is for me sometimes. But I can’t change that.
My dad also lost his job so he’s always at home, which I hate. My dad and I aren’t really close for many reasons, but I’m not feeling comfortable enough to talk about this yet. Maybe because I don’t really understand why. But anyway, having him around all the time made it worse. The only few times I got to be home alone were gone. I know it’s not his fault or anything but still. The moments I could just sing as loud as I wanted, dance around the house and pretty much do everything I wanted were gone. I miss these moments because it was the only moments I was truly alone, and they made me happy. And now they’re gone. But I can’t change that.
I also have been feeling quite bad about myself around the end of the year, for many reasons as well. But I wouldn’t go back to that phase in my life. Not again. There might be things I can’t change in my life, but there was some things I could.
So I did it. I took control of my life and changed some things.
I had a friend, who I couldn’t stand for month. She made me feel bad about myself and it seemed like she was just negative all the time. How was I supposed to try and stay positive when I was surrounded by negativity all the time? I decided to stop trying. As simply as that. The only reason why I was holding on to that friendship was because we had it for so long. But people change. We grew apart. And I had to accept that. I had to let her go. So I did.
I’ve had people who I considered friends who turned their back on me when I stopped talking to this girl. And yes, it hurt me, because they never asked my side of the story. They just out of nowhere started hating me. It made me mad, but then again, I realized they did to me what I did to her. And I’m mature enough to get over it. I let them go too. I don’t need people in my life who could just throw me away like that, even more for reasons that don’t concern them.
I sometimes think I should thank them for opening my eyes. I’ve spent so much time trying to make them like me. I didn’t feel like I was being myself when I was around some of them. I was just what they wanted me to be. But I don’t have to anymore. I can just be myself now. I have true friends who accept me for who I am, who support me through everything and most importantly make me enjoy life.
I’m glad I have them in my life. No matter if they’re old friends or more recent ones, they all matter to me. And I’ll try to be as good for them as they are for me. So thank you. Thank you for supporting me through the tough times and making me laugh all the time.
I now know it’s okay to let things go, because so much more can come out of it. My life is mine, and mine only. I have to take control of it to make myself happy and will no longer let other define it.
What about you?
Have you ever had to let go of something to make yourself happy? Or are you intending to?
And if you haven’t taken control of your life yet, what changes do you think you could make, in order to enjoy it more?
Feel free to talk to me about your life and everything you want, I’ll be happy to here about your story.
I’ll see you (hopefully) soon ! x